I think im going to throw up on grandma
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm like, not good at living.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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