Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
