found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
