Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
