New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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