Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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