I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
