How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
