do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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