I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
