i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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