evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
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