my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
