Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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