He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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