well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
