Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I touched a dick in church today
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
