Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
