Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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