As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
