He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
