his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have already put on my inside pants.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
