I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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