I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
