True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
