Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
