They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
