so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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