its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
