When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
