i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
