someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
