Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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