i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
