whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
