So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
do nipples grow back?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
