mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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