my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
