we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
