last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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