He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
