watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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