he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
