the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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