Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
