Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
