You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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