After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
