Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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