I'm pants shitting drunk right now
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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