let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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